It’s crazy how life works sometimes, when you try to get your life together the devil works hard to pull it all down. The devil can’t stand when you are doing good. But you got to put your foot down and say “You are weak, I am stronger than anything you can throw at me.”
I was so ready to start this new year, I had my goals I had my plan and then BOOM! I started having problems in my marriage, my very close friend committed suicide, and I was feeling like I couldn’t be who I wanted to be. I started to get very depressed again, it’s so easy to go back to that feeling. Especially when it is a feeling that is so familiar. It comes in like a blanket on a cold night. I had to push my self out those covers and remember that it was just a trick. It starts like a warm blanket, but then it turns quickly into a damp, cold prison that you can’t escape. I was not going to go there again, I had to get myself out.
It took a lot of me looking at how I wanted to live my life, did I want to feel this heaviness in my chest everyday, did I want to stop enjoying the things I loved, did I want to start having those dark thoughts again. NO! I wanted to be the Thanee I know I can be. Couple years ago I would have ended up in a spiral. I would have been in my bed, with my drugs to numb me. But I don’t want that anymore I have too much to do for me, and I have to many people who I love and love me. Remember the good, when the bad starts to whisper.
“When their love for you doesn’t have a voice, awaken the voice inside of yourself, let the love you have for yourself speak for you. Let your love for yourself be so loud, that it fills their silence with beautiful music.”
So everyday I wrote myself a letter telling myself how much I love me and how much we still had to do. So many times we depend on other people to help us feel better, to help us feel better about ourselves. You can’t put your heart, soul and mind into someone else’s hands expecting them to know what to do with them. Only you know how to heal yourself, only you know how to make yourself feel better. I know there will be many times that the darkness will creep up and try to trick me into getting under those covers. But depression doesn’t have control over me, I DO! I will not let it keep me from being the happiest I can be. Find your beautiful music, let it take over.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, the way to help yourself is knowing when it’s just too much for you handle on your own.
You can do it, Beautiful!